Moscow Machination Read online

  “I understand. You got any other animals? Bet you stock up.”

  The Troll thought for a while before answering. “I got a black tomcat… found him at a junkyard up in Hunchun.”

  “Excellent. Take him out to that black jeep, my team leader will take him. Fast.”

  “Yes Sir.”

  Sniper 3 was having a hard time resuscitating Zoya despite his elite skills. Water, kicking, tail pulling, dragging, rib tickling, cooing in its ear, nothing worked. Despite clear orders to go mouth-to-mouth, he had refrained. But then nobody held it against him.

  In the end, Sniper 3 was able to make out a heartbeat.

  “So Sniper 3 whats the status?” checked in Hu Gong.

  “Still alive, but barely breathing.”

  “Well, you better pray to a god that you don’t believe in,” replied Hu, as he finalized his super sophisticated plan with the Team Leader.

  As Hu and Premier Xiannian watched, the Tower Troll carried the struggling tomcat to the Team Leader’s black jeep. Soon they heard the Team Leader cursing out his mother in law. That there was one feisty little cat.

  “Sir, I request we take the Tower Troll with us. The cat’s a demon.”

  “Ya, whatever. Hurry the fuck up. Remember to take some lubricant. Oil, Vaseline anything… water might not do it.”

  “Yes Sir.”

  The seven snipers, the team leader and the Troll stood nervously around the dormant tiger. The Team Leader knelt and checked Zoya’s tracking collar. It was loose. The tiger was emaciated due to starvation. Thus the Chinese snipers were able to remove the collar, without any oils or lubes.

  Next, the Troll held the tomcat down as Sniper 1 reduced the size of the tiger’s collar. He reduced it to fit the tom cat’s torso. The damage and resistance caused by the kitty in comparison to the tiger was poetic.

  After securing the collar onto the tomcat, the Troll and Sniper 1 hurried to the border and hurled the cat, over the Trans-Siberian railway tracks... into Russia.

  The cat, obviously landed on its feet and snarled back at the Chinese men. It had had enough with the People and the Republic and their persecution of its kin. Catty rumors swirled that the tomcat’s cousins had gone down as brunch at a Beijing bistro.

  The cat said, “Adios mofos” as in “Meooow meow”, flipped off the men with its paw and walked away into Russia. It hoped to find a grandmotherly babushka and live happily ever after.

  Federal Space Agency, Moscow

  It was midnight in Moscow. It was always midnight in Moscow when things went sour. The Tiger Division was being monitored by a Yuri. They were currently monitoring four tigers - the females Zhenya, Zoya and the males Alexi and Arkady. Alexi, Zhenya and Arkady had been set free on the Amur, while Zoya had been sent to Primorsky Krai in the Far East.

  Initially Alexi, Arkady and Zhenya had spent a lot of time together, exploring the taiga and having threesomes. But after the initial fun, they gone their separate ways... in search of meaning of life, as tigers obviously preferred solitude and deep thinking, unlike the partying idiot lions. The trio were now more than 100 miles apart, surviving and growing, as evidenced from their tracking data and the occasional sighting.

  But Zoya, poor Zoya, the shyest of the ambush had lost the Russian roulette and had ended up in the cut off Primorsky Krai. With nothing to game, she had been surviving on rotten fish, dogs and other less tigery options.

  Yuri noticed the alert. He analyzed the tracking data and found that after briefly venturing into China, Zoya had returned fifteen minutes later. She hadn’t gone too far. And she seemed fine now.

  Yuri suddenly remembered something. There was another way to verify Zoya’s whereabouts. They had placed a second tracker on the tigers. This one though wasn’t in the collar.

  Yuri ran the trace again, this time on the second tracker and to his horror, discovered that Zoya’s was still inside China. In fact, it lay motionless at the bottom of the Fangchun Observational Tower.

  Yuri picked up his red phone and dialed 1800-TIGER-RUSS.

  Fangchun Observational Tower, Tri-border region, China

  The Chinese snipers under Hu Gong’s directives had driven the 4x4 jeep into the terrain and picked up the snoozing tiger. After injecting Zoya with some military grade opium from their sniping kits, they had hauled the sleeping tiger onto the jeep and driven back to the Fangchun Observational Tower.

  Instead of dealing with the tiger in public, the Tower Troll had taken them to the parking garage under the Tower.

  “Sir, whats our next move?” The Team Leader addressed Hu Gong impatiently.

  “Yes, Hu, whats next?” pressed the Premier.

  Hu Gong looked around. He was THE MAN right now. His men, his premier, the Troll were all helpless without his firm guiding hand.

  “The way I see it, we have two options… one, we complete our mission. As in we kill the tiger, take a few selfies, maybe even teriyaki it and then FedEx it all to Moscow. That should send a message to that woman.”

  Hu paused for effect before continuing his convoluted theory.

  “Or, if you think that killing a sleeping tiger is not our style… we could just say the tiger charged over the border and tried to attack Chinese tourists in the Tower… So we hit it with an opium gun… that will hold water. The Russkies might not believe it… but they will still get the message.”

  The premier cleared his throat, “Let’s stick to the first idea. We lost a dozen fine ladies on that train. If I can hit Moscow I would. Let’s fucking hit the tiger.”

  Everyone nodded in agreement. Hu Gong shrugged and nodded at the Team Leader. The Team Leader released the safety on his pistol.

  Chapter 10

  Tri-border Region, Far East Asia

  The tri-border region in Asia’s eastern armpit involved three countries. There was Russia on the east, China’s sliver of land in the middle and then there was this other cool and super laidback nation that people rarely talked about.

  The best intelligence agency in the tri-border region belonged to this really laid back country. The best agency had been observing the antics of the Chinese for some time now. A week ago, one of their patriotic peasants had mentioned something about some odd Chinese activity near the Fangchun Tower. Being the best, no-bs intelligence agency in the region, they had immediately it checked out.

  The best operatives of this best intelligence agency soon realized that the Chinese were scouting Zoya the tiger. They seemed to be interested in the Russian tiger’s movements and schedules. Whatever. The Chinese weren’t that dumb. Surely they weren’t thinking of harming THAT Presidential tiger. Or were they?

  The best intelligence agency, had then reported this Chinese cat obsession, up their chain of command. Any other intelligence agency in the world would have been like ‘duh… Chinese and cats go together like noodles and chopsticks’. But this wasn’t any other outfit… this was the best in the region. Being the best, they had a superb ‘chain’ and an excellent ‘of command’. The best intelligence agency acted swiftly by inserting its best special ops team into the Tri-border region.

  Dong Ki Moon, bellowed into his collar mic, “Alpha Team, go, go. They are already moving Zoya into that parking garage.”

  “Yes, captain.”

  The best intelligence agency neither belonged to China nor Russia. It belonged to North Korea.

  Dong Ki Moon, watched his forward unit breach the China – North Korea Border. His six men, all equipped with the best equipment from DARPA and the best guns from Germany reached their destination, completely undetected in under 90 seconds.

  Dong Ki Moon was the second best Special Forces Captain on His Leader’s Elite Force, the NKSOF. The best guy, another Dong Ki Moon, was on His Leader’s security detail. It annoyed Dong Ki that people often mixed up their names. Yep, that sort of shit was quite common within Pyongyang’s beltway. In fact, at his own Korean barbecue, over eighteen Il-Sungs had shown up in place of his brother in law.

  “
Captain Dong, this is Alpha 1.”

  “Alpha 1. Do you see the tigress?”

  “Negative. But we can hear Hu Gong quite clearly.”

  “And?”

  “Captain, I think they have decided to kill Zoya.”

  “Alright. Hit them… Hit them hard.”

  “Is there any other way …?”

  Meanwhile in the garage, Hu Gong nodded at his Team Leader. The sniper aimed the pistol at Zoya’s head.

  As he curled his index finger around the trigger, the garage door blasted inwards, lifting Sniper 1, Sniper 6 and the Troll off their feet. Caught by surprise, the Chinese sniper team or whatever was left, began shooting haphazardly through the door.

  The North Koreans quickly lobbed in a couple of stun grenades. After the second one, they crept low and shot out all human legs. They had no intention of becoming the accidental tiger killers. The mobs of Pyongyang were quite different from a twitter mob.

  It was all over in 22 seconds. “Captain, we have secured Zoya. Afraid we might have taken out the Chinese Premier’s ankle.”

  Dong Ki Moon replied, “Good. As long as he doesn’t die, we are golden. I’m coming in with the vet.”

  Captain Dong Ki Moon and the smoking hot vet, Song-Yu parked their Hummer just outside the Fangchun Tower’s underground garage.

  “After you,” bowed Dong Ki, allowing the vet to walk in front of him. Magical thirteen seconds.

  At the entrance Alpha 1, welcomed Dong Ki and the vet as the rest of the team sifted through the aftermath.

  Dong Ki motioned the vet to go take a look at the tiger. “Check the heart first. Run some IVs and give it a Snickers if necessary. We need that thing alive.” He then returned to the rest of the scene.

  The entire Chinese sniper team was dead. Good. The Troll was hit, but he would live. He was just a civilian who had accidentally stepped into an Idiots Anonymous meeting. The Premier’s ankle was shattered. He wasn’t going to walk normally again. That left Intelligence Chief Hu Gong.

  Despite breathing, Hu Gong was pretty much done. He had stopped a hollow point with his right lung. He looked up at Dong Ki Moon.

  “…Why?” gurgled Hu Gong.

  Dong Ki Moon decided to grant the man’s last wish, “Didn’t you get the FSB memo?”

  “Memo… which one?”

  “The one titled ‘Our Tiger Has Two Chips’. Sweet Buddha! What kind of intelligence chief are you man?”

  “What?”

  “The tiger… Zoya, had two tracking chips on her.”

  “…Two?” Hu was sun setting.

  “According to our circular, you were also cc’d.”

  “Why…?”

  “Poachers. Standard stuff man.”

  “Oh fuck Hu,” groaned the Premier from another end of the parking lot.

  “Yeah, so the second one was attached to Zoya’s heart. Powered by electrical impulses from her heart. Haha. Ya pretty cool stuff. Our Great Benevolent Leader actually wants the same thing for him.”

  “Oh…”

  “Ya, so this chip is also connected to a missile system. If someone killed Zoya or her heart stopped unnaturally, a missile would liquidate everything in the kill coordinates.”

  “Sir, I think a couple of rare Kobe steaks should get the tiger back on her feet,” interjected the vet.

  “What the fuck you moron? Didn’t you get this circular?” cried the Premier.

  “Worst part is, it’s a conventional missile only if her heart stops within Russian territory….”

  Dong Ki continued, “…so if Zoya’s heart were to stop somewhere outside Russian territory, say for example, here at the Fangchun Tower in the Jinlin province of China, you get nuked… the Russians have kept that a secret.”

  Gong’s last words were, “....circular… dated… April 1st… thought F…S...B… joke… no… no….”

  To ease the pain until his posse showed up, Dong Ki Moon ordered the simmering vet to administer some animal grade opiate to the Chinese Premier. The dreamy Premier Xiannian waved good bye, as the North Koreans along with the sleeping tiger vacated the scene.

  Federal Space Agency, Moscow

  Yuri called up the 1800-TIGER-RUSS painted on his desk and informed the situation to an SVR guy.

  “…so what I am saying is that our tigress Zoya might be in grave danger…don’t you get it…?

  The SVR guy while concerned, sounded nonchalant as he was put Yuri on hold, “Yuri, hang on a second. I’m getting another call…”

  Sasha the SVR dude got a call from someone way up on the SVR org chart. Then Sasha got another call from the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs. Sasha listened to both calls intently.

  Five minutes later he called back Yuri and informed him that all was well and he should stop worrying about Zoya for the time being. Things had been taken care of.

  “But…”

  “Just keep an eye on Arkady’s bowel movements.”

  Chapter 11

  Kremlin, Moscow

  “Madam President, I think this is a terrible idea. And I want this to go on the record… you know,” declared Mika the presidential guard. This was beyond madness.

  The President was unmoved.

  “At least we should check with my boss…”

  “Mika, get a grip. I am like your boss’s boss’s boss’s boss. So shut the fuck up. Otto lead the way,” said Anna Petrova.

  The President’s yellow phone rang. She hesitated… she was on the precipice of something here… darn it, it was Sergey Luzkhov the Foreign Minister.

  She had to answer it. Probably important.

  “Whats up Sergester?”

  “Madam, apologize for the late call, but there was an incident in the Far East.”

  “Make it fast…”

  “Uh… the Chinese… they tried to go after one of your tigers… our tigers. We believe it’s a retaliation for those trains.”

  “I thought we took pre-emptive measures.”

  “Sure, we were thinking along the lines of Damansky Island or some silly trade embargo. Well they got creative. We can’t predict everything Ma’am.”

  “Ok. Thanks for the update. I am kind of in the middle of something right now. Bye.”

  “Oh. There is one other thing…” Luzkhov persisted.

  “Hmm?”

  “We didn’t save tiger Zoya, it was the North Koreans who saved her.”

  “What? But why did they get involved? Are we even allied?”

  “Err… well they didn’t want to get sucked into a nuclear blowup. Out there the DPRK also has an ICBM silo. It’s about 5 Km from ours. So if a nuke went off the Americans would jump on it and spin things to say that the North Koreans did it.”

  “Even if it was a Russian nuke?” asked Petrova incredulously.

  “Yep. They wouldn’t dare accuse us. Even if they did we would deny... with proof. And nobody wants another he-said-she-said quagmire at The Hague. No. That’s not their style. North Korea would be the easy bogeyman. A great chance to sell more shitbirds to Tokyo and Seoul….”

  “…any casualties on our side?”

  “None. Like I said we have zero assets out there… by design. But the Chinese intelligence chief was killed. Their Premier Xiannian probably won’t walk for a while.”

  “What the fuck??? Why were the Premier and the Intelligence Chief out on the field?”

  “Guess they took it personally.”

  “Shit. That’s serious shit.”

  “Yeah, nothing good comes out of stalking cats.”

  After a few seconds the President asked, “So, will the Chinese go after Pyongyang now?”

  “Nah. The young leadership was clashing with their old school intelligence Chief. It was just a matter of time….”

  “If you say so… What about the tiger, is it safe?”

  “Yes. She is being sent to Pyongyang as we speak… on a luxury train. That brat probably thinks a selfie with a Siberian is cool…”

  The President lifted a finger t
o the waiting Otto and her guards to hang on a bit longer.

  “Ok. Whats our move Sergey? Do we even want the tiger back?”

  “Our Pyongyang envoy, Dimitroff is one of the best. We will let him play.”

  “Alright, Sergey, keep me posted.”

  Otto extended an arm into the fireplace and felt around. Then he did a little tap, tap causing the bottom to give away exposing a 3x3ft square shaft. The shaft was lined with a good looking iron ladder. Otto yielded left as Mika and the President took a look. It was just a black square hole. Nothing more to it.

  “Are you sure this is the way to your bunker?” checked the President.

  “Yes Madam President,” replied Otto, his enthusiasm rising by the tick.

  “So who goes first?” asked Mika fearing the answer. Exploring underground caves in search of the ‘ultimate weapon’ wasn’t something he looked forward to.

  “Me of course,” cried Otto. “I go in first. President next. Then the three of you.”

  “Oh. Okay. That sounds fine. But let me just switch places with the President.” Suggested Mika.

  “Mika, how long do you think we can be away, without raising alarms?”

  “Madam, its 1.45 now. We clocked in at 12.30 so that should give us three, three and a half hours.”

  An excited Anna Petrova clapped her hands, “Alright gentlemen let’s get this party started.”

  Otto Fuchs, Mika the guard, President Petrova, the other guards Vlad and Marat all descended down the fireplace. Their mission: to find this weapon that Otto had been blathering about.

  Fifty feet into the abyss, they hit a small landing. Upon further review it was just big room with no doors or windows. “In the old times we called this Rest Point 1. To catch your breath. Ten minutes, we move again,” said Otto.